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Essential Parenting

Adolescence is a time of major upheaval: raging hormones, peer pressure and the quest for independence are all issues you as a parent must cope with. Steady, proactive parenting builds a foundation which will prevent these “youthquakes” from wreaking damage or destruction on your teen, and you as well.

In order to build this foundation, you must establish bonds with your child based on love and respect, take an active role in their activities, and set value-based rules and limits.

Parenting a teen may be harder than being one. Don’t repeat these words to your teen: "You’re not the victim here." Instead take them to heart and prepare yourself for the road ahead.

Think of the teenage years as a journey for you as well as your child. Like all journeys, there will be ups and downs: learn from each. In the end, the solid foundation provided by a good home life will see your family through the many shakeups sure to accompany adolescence.

A Guide to Bonding

Bonding with your teen lays the foundation. To forge these bonds, and keep them strong, you need to show your teen resolute love and compassion. Be open and honest with them, and let them to express their feelings without fear of scorn or indifference.

Know your teen’s thoughts and dreams. Don’t ignore or dismiss their ideas if they clash with your own. You won’t always agree with your teen. Let them know when you disagree, and for what reasons. Present your viewpoint, but don’t force it upon them unless all options are exhausted.

See these differences of opinion as part and parcel of your teen’s originality; what sets them apart from the other 6 billion humans. You need to nurture this originality, encourage it, teach your teen to think for themselves. This is not only a defense against peer pressure, but an important step towards adulthood.

By bonding with your teen, you teach them bonding. Studies indicate that children raised by loving, compassionate parents have an easier time forming relationships than those who lacked this upbringing. If your child can easily approach you, they gain the confidence to approach others. This confidence also helps them maintain the relationships which they form.

Children from this type of family background also exhibit better social skills, and are more likely to be positive role models. They tend to have lower rates of depression, promiscuity and illicit drug use.

To Recap:

• Know your child, open your heart to them.
• Respect their healthy viewpoints
• Encourage their uniqueness: teach them to be proud of themselves for who they are
• Don’t waver in showing them love and kindness. It is unconditional.

Time Well Spent

The surest means of forging strong, enduring bonds with your teen is to spend time with them. Set aside time, find time. As your child grows into adulthood, they will spend less and less time with you. Now is your time.

Get to know them. Don’t just learn who they are, but who their friends are. Know what they do when you’re not around. If you show your teen love and consideration, and open yourself to them, they will see this as a sign of caring rather than snooping.

A close relationship with your teen is good strategy against peer pressures to engage in undesirable behavior. Your teen needs to know he or she can turn to you for guidance as they negotiate the minefield called adolescence, and that you will be there for them. The time you spend with your teen is time well spent. Even as you take on a smaller role in your teen’s life, you can still have a major influence on it.

Some suggestions to spend time together:

• Take a vacation together. Or plan a weekend picnic.
• Run a carpool.
• Volunteer at your child’s school, or your church Youth Group.
• Be a coach, or sponsor a sports team. Attend your child’s sporting events.
• Be a Scoutmaster. (Service organizations such as Scouts or Civil Air Patrol provide a positive environment for building social skills and interactions. If your teen is associated with one of these groups, lend your time).
• Eat together
• Find a common hobby

Enforcing the Rules

Behavior has consequences. The rules set for your teenager need to be based on this simple yet fundamental principle.

Parents and teenagers need to work together when making rules. Involving teens is necessary for the following reasons:

• The teen understands the rule-making process, and the link between behavior and consequences.
• Since teens know what punishment to expect, they can’t complain. (This doesn’t mean they still won’t try; remind them you both decided on this).
• You as a parent can enforce the predetermined punishment, and can avoid bickering over details, since they have already been worked out.
• You don’t perceive a threat to your authority when rules are broken, since you did not solely set the rules.

Remember to stay the course when meting out discipline. Your teenager knows what to expect. You can’t appear wishy-washy. Also, don’t go overboard. Severe discipline is unnecessary as well as unproductive. Time-outs or restrictions on privileges like TV, car or cell phones will often do the trick. Calmly remind your teen this reprimand was hashed out by both of you, and is to be expected.

Finally, reward your teen for good behavior, so they see the benefit of following the rules. The reward need not be material; commending your teen for sticking to the rules should do. Let them know your proud of what they have done right, and continuing to do so will prevent future clashes and problems.

Who’s In Control Here?

Parents often feel their teenager is trying to control them, but adolescence is actually a time when teens start to separate from parents. During teenage years, friendships take on more meaning, and more time. Many parent/child clashes stem from the teen’s desire for more freedom, and to cut loose from parental control.

While boundaries still need to be set, and rules adhered to, it is essential that you not exert too much control. Knowing “how much is too much” is challenging, since you are apt to be frustrated when your teen tries to stretch boundaries you have set.

Some control is, of course required, but trying to control a teen’s emotions or thoughts has a negative psychological impact. Studies suggest teens of overly controlling parents are more likely to be depressed, and have a higher chance of exhibiting criminal or anti-social behaviors.

Examples of this negative control:

• Letting your teen’s behavior impact the way you feel about them. (The way you feel about your teen should never change. Separate the behavior from the person. Discipline should only be done in love. If done correctly your teen will always leave the door open allowing you to continue to influence them in their decisions.)
• Avoiding touchy subjects, or changing the subject if you disagree with it.
• Turning issues into personal attacks on you or your teenager.
• The blame game: i.e.: “This is all your fault!”
• Holding back love, or making threats to.
• Laying “guilt trips” on a teen.

Tackling Issues and Problems

We live in the information age, and having information gathering is a necessary first step in solving problems. Know the issue your teen is facing. Remember the 5 W’s?—use them as a guide to gather info. Ask specific questions; get a grasp of the “big picture.” Use this information as a map so you won’t be flying blind.

As in the rule-making process, involving your teen is crucial. Get their input, and have them write down a short list of the choices they face. Let your child know there is more than one way of dealing with the problem. Don’t debate the choices yet, just make sure at least one is sensible.

Provide assistance only if your teen is having trouble. Tell them now is their time, and this core knowledge of how the decision-making process works is basic to future participation in it.

When the list is complete, talk it over. Add a plus/minus column for each option so your teen understands why an option will succeed or not. This family “one-on-one” can be an emotional time for your child, and presenting your related past experiences and the choices you made (good and bad, stay honest here!) can check these emotions.

Now, step back and let your teen choose the solution. Don’t get upset if you don’t approve, the decision could still be the right one! As long as it is not harmful, criminal, or against your religion, the ball is in your teen’s court. This is part of the learning process called growing up.

Finally, if your teen makes a wrong decision, be understanding. Now is not the time for “I told you so.” Fall back on the list you made together and find another solution.

In summary:

• Identify the problem, ask questions, and get information.
• Have your teen make a list of options, discuss their merits together.
• Let your teen come up with a solution.