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Teens are notoriously difficult to deal with. It's not uncommon for parents to complain that their teens walk around as if they were angry with the world. When their parents try to interact with them, they interpret is as they're being provoked to a fight when their parents are really just trying to reach out and talk. Most teens can be quite difficult to handle because they're volatile and sensitive. It's not unlike walking through a field filled with landmines.
For parents who are struggling to make sense of this kind of attitude, here are a few pointers on how to deal with hostile teenagers:
- Realize that you are not alone - Ask around, talk to other parents (maybe read your own journal when you were a teen?). Your challenges are not unique to you, so hang in there and do what you do best; be a parent to your child. Even if they constantly rebuff the efforts of their parents, teens who are shown unconditional love and concern are those who pull through their angst-ridden stage relatively well. Be vocal about how you feel for your child. They need to hear it, even though they would never admit that.
- Don't take it personally - It's difficult not to take things like this personally when dealing with your children is a personal issue. However, teens act out on their parents because of many possible reasons. It's not always about you, so when your teen is hostile, keep in mind that it's no reason to take the attacks personally. Of course, along the way your teen may lash out at you and bring certain mistakes to the fore. It may not be the center of the issue, but if you find anything to apologize for, it's always a good idea to sincerely offer your apologies. After all, parents aren't perfect, and children don't come into this world with a user's guide.
- Don't shame your hostile teen - Whenever possible, give your teen a way to back down while saving face. It's not uncommon for teens to realize that they pushed things too far or reacted inappropriately. Embarassing them by calling them out or throwing their mistakes to their face ungraciously just provokes more unpleasant exchanges that are harder to recover from.
- Have a sense of humor about it - It's not that you take your teen's anger lightly. It's just that if you don't learn how to have a sense of humor about it, you are bound to respond to your teen's hostility disproportionately.
- Look out for signs of depression - Sometimes parents only notice the hostility because it's the most noticable sign of depression. If your child is constantly hostile, it may be best to keep an eye out for other signs of depression such as a change in eating and sleeping habits, withdrawal, talking about death and suicide, and lack of interest in other things that used to be interesting for him/her. Hostility could just be the tip of the iceberg.
If you determine that your teen's hostility has a more serious underlying reason, it may be best to talk to a therapist about it. Teenage depression is very common, and it's sad that it's often the parents who are last to know about it.
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